Presidential Debate: Why Clinton Needs a Proxy (And Trump should just STFU)

Michael Sasso

In last night's debate, Trump did all the bad Trump things I expected him to do, so I can't even give him a letter grade.  Clinton's performance, however, I give a B+.  She's a good public speaker, sure, but she's not presidential good.  She's not sway me, I'm an unsure undecided voter good.  With every point she made, I found myself thinking, "Yes, exactly!  But man!  Barack, or Michelle Obama, or Elizabeth Warren, or Rachel Maddow, or Jon Stewart would have said that so much better!"  Damnit Hillary, be the president I want you to be!

I know this isn't fair--presidents need to be good decision makers and policy makers--not actors, not comedy show hosts, and not the reality-TV-star-orange-dumpling that's running against Clinton.  That's why I think it's time presidential candidates hire actors to be their official spokespeople, their mascots, their proxies.  This allows the future of presidents to be great leaders and thinkers, even if they're bad public speakers, or disabled to the point where traveling is very difficult (So what? There's Skype) or if they have annoying voices or are as ugly as hell.  Until we can convince the dumb American public to look past a candidate's bravado, attractiveness, and stage presence, the Clintons and Trumps of Tomorrow should hire charismatic people with many years of acting and improvisational training to speak on their behalf.

Last night, when Trump suggested his business expertise made him a good candidate for fixing our infrastructure, economy, and lessening our national debt, the best Clinton could do was say "What's good in business is not always good in government."  That sounds, Mrs. Clinton, like some grade-A, political-talk bullshit to me, and, to any voter out there that's on the fence, it sounded like grade-AA bullshit.  

But, your quick-witted proxy might have added, "Big business is a model built on growing as quickly as possible with an end-goal of making as much money for the people at the top as possible.  This can, and in many cases has, caused huge problems and economic disparities.  It is big business that created the need for unions and guilds to protect the hard-working lower and middle-classes of this country, like Hillary's dad who worked in the drapery business.  Even if you're a republican and you believe in a free market, you know that big business can be selfish and take advantage of workers.  No, Don, big business is not like government--at least not how government should be run.  Don, American government should be more like running a non-profit organization...a non-profit that happens to have the ability to kill millions of people with tanks and planes.  Hillary has run non-profits.  Hillary has been a senator.  Hillary was Secretary of State.  You, sir, take advantage of all the slimiest parts of our laws to build hotels and sell property to our country's richest citizens.  How dare you say "business has prepared you to lead America!"

Or when Clinton said (I'm paraphrasing here) "A man who can be baited by a tweet should not have the nuclear codes" and Trump said "That one's getting old," and Hillary said, "It's a good one!", there were better options for her rebuttal.  Her proxy would have known.  Perhaps her proxy would have said, "Hillary and I say that particular sound bite so often because your lack of temperament keeps us up at night!"  (I mean Clinton said this, sorta, but too calmly I think considering we're talking about NUKES!)  Her proxy might continue:  

"Above immigration, above race relations, above our economy, is the fact that we live in a world where if a single nuclear weapon is used, there is the potential for a volley of nuclear attacks that will literally end society as we know it.  End of Days stuff.  That's why I supported the diplomatic deal with Iran--that's how we keep the world from blowing itself up.  This is a new era where there is no room for extreme nationalism, which is just another term for international pissing contests, another term for "my dick is bigger than yours" boasting battles.  And in this new era, it is time for a president who knows diplomacy and who has no Twitter-fragile ego.  It is time for a president who can't ever have a pissing contest or a big-dick contest: It's time for a woman in the White House.  My lady Hillary--she's that woman."

Right then the proxy would put a finger to her or his ear, listen to their earpiece for a moment as Mrs. Clinton relays a message remotely, and then the proxy would say, "Mrs. Clinton would like me to now drop the figurative mic."

Michael Sasso will be live-tweeting the next presidential debates! Follow live for the Vice Presidential debate on October 2nd @theimmixtwitt.

Follow @theimmixtwitt anyways, we post fun stuff.